Taking a walk finding pleasure ending with fear

I really enjoyed the walk I had this morning it was not a fast walk… I didn’t burn a bunch of calories… But I did get outside I took my first step out  I mustered up the courage to just go… Going outside for a walk it’s me laying down one brick at a time make it as perfect as I can make it (Reference will smith)On my walk I listened to an interview by Terry Gross from NPR she was interviewing Maria Putzo  and Francis Ford Coppola.  This is the 50th anniversary of the Godfather… the stories the process the behind the scenes I find so much pleasure in that I mean really a lot of satisfaction a lot of feel good emotions in my chest it’s similar to the feelings I have with an escort or preparing to meet an escort or porn except it feels authentic it feels right and I have no shame afterwards. There’s something there something is telling me that there’s a part of me that Is drawn to art creativity things that I really enjoy doing but don’t do because I’m so scared .. I love the arts I love culture I love those type of things  but fear always always stops me and Shane . The walk was phenomenal it really was I loved it and it felt good I feel confident… But then as I walk back to my apartment I saw that my neighbor and his friends were outside. I felt so much fear and shame that I really wanted to walk away run away and go in a different direction hoping that maybe they would leave by the time I came back… I had very little interaction with my neighbor So there really is no shame to be had… He doesn’t know me doesn’t know anything about me knows nothing about my acting out or my issues or my addictions but yet I carry shame around and I care about what other people think about me … just his presence made me feel very uncomfortable I felt like I needed to act a certain way like I’m not good enough and it scared me and I wanted to get away… Welcome to my mind

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Another day and my story continued

Last night at a free Sa house I was looking through Facebook … which when I was in therapy and adhering to SAA was part of my inner circle … anyway I searched and saw my ex profile she looked really good and I felt .. some regret but for the most part I don’t allow myself to feel real emotions I kind of just act nonchalant and move on … allowing my true authentic self to feel unwanted and not important which then leads me to acting out with porn or prostitutes drugs and alcohol .. maybe not today or tomorrow but sometime in the near future I will slip and slip hard… when I act out I’m never satisfied I watch porn for 6-8 hours straight I act out with 2-3 escorts in a night and even then I’m not satisfied … it’s hell on earth and sometimes I just want to disappear… and truth be told when I act out I do disappear from problems and self hate etc. … but the next day the weight of all the “problems” I didn’t want to deal with along with the shame of acting out hits me like a tidal wave…today I will journal, meditate and read material on recovery I will reach out to 3 guys and make meeting this evening …

Hey I am writing this to document my struggles with sex addiction and drug/alcohol abuse. I’ll start here and work backwards . I am z51?nad I’m scared I am 51 and have lost my job I am 51 and single I am 51 and hurting so bad there were times I just wanted to end it all but I was always too chicken and with my lack of focus I could never follow through. I’m going to flip flop on my story… my last real job I was making 6 figures I was successful well liked professional smart always promoted .. valued. At some point I would start to slip and all that would fade away I would  become paranoid  I would miss deadlines I would create drama and HR issues ultimately leading to a transfer before shit hit the fan … and I would start all over again.. starting strong and leaving drama in my wake.  I live two lives one where I am extroverted successful outgoing charming funny confident and then an another part of me that hates who I am feels lonely feels inadequate …