Taking a walk finding pleasure ending with fear

I really enjoyed the walk I had this morning it was not a fast walk… I didn’t burn a bunch of calories… But I did get outside I took my first step out  I mustered up the courage to just go… Going outside for a walk it’s me laying down one brick at a time make it as perfect as I can make it (Reference will smith)On my walk I listened to an interview by Terry Gross from NPR she was interviewing Maria Putzo  and Francis Ford Coppola.  This is the 50th anniversary of the Godfather… the stories the process the behind the scenes I find so much pleasure in that I mean really a lot of satisfaction a lot of feel good emotions in my chest it’s similar to the feelings I have with an escort or preparing to meet an escort or porn except it feels authentic it feels right and I have no shame afterwards. There’s something there something is telling me that there’s a part of me that Is drawn to art creativity things that I really enjoy doing but don’t do because I’m so scared .. I love the arts I love culture I love those type of things  but fear always always stops me and Shane . The walk was phenomenal it really was I loved it and it felt good I feel confident… But then as I walk back to my apartment I saw that my neighbor and his friends were outside. I felt so much fear and shame that I really wanted to walk away run away and go in a different direction hoping that maybe they would leave by the time I came back… I had very little interaction with my neighbor So there really is no shame to be had… He doesn’t know me doesn’t know anything about me knows nothing about my acting out or my issues or my addictions but yet I carry shame around and I care about what other people think about me … just his presence made me feel very uncomfortable I felt like I needed to act a certain way like I’m not good enough and it scared me and I wanted to get away… Welcome to my mind


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