Another day and my story continued

Last night at a free Sa house I was looking through Facebook … which when I was in therapy and adhering to SAA was part of my inner circle … anyway I searched and saw my ex profile she looked really good and I felt .. some regret but for the most part I don’t allow myself to feel real emotions I kind of just act nonchalant and move on … allowing my true authentic self to feel unwanted and not important which then leads me to acting out with porn or prostitutes drugs and alcohol .. maybe not today or tomorrow but sometime in the near future I will slip and slip hard… when I act out I’m never satisfied I watch porn for 6-8 hours straight I act out with 2-3 escorts in a night and even then I’m not satisfied … it’s hell on earth and sometimes I just want to disappear… and truth be told when I act out I do disappear from problems and self hate etc. … but the next day the weight of all the “problems” I didn’t want to deal with along with the shame of acting out hits me like a tidal wave…today I will journal, meditate and read material on recovery I will reach out to 3 guys and make meeting this evening …

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